Transformers: The Last Knight Review
by Diamonds and Bones
Summary: Yeah, I know the movie came out a while ago, so shame on me i saw it so late. But for good reason, this movie sucked. Like really bad. I love transformers, but Bay keeps making them worse and worse, am i right? But I'm usuall OK because I like seeing my robot bois suffering and fighting...but this movie. Even Peter Cullens voice couldn't save it. I almost fell asleep AND HERE'S WHY


**My opinions guys, it's ok if you liked it...but i didn't and here are my reasons. Also, I wrote this really late and since this is for fun, I didn't proofread it...this movie didn't deserve that sort of attention. Don't even know if this is understandable. Also know that the movie came out a while ago, but I just saw it so...eh, whatevs!**

Hey guys today we are going to talk about Transformers, or diet Transformers because everything you could've remotely loved about the movies is gone leaving you with an unsavory and boring three hour long film.

I came in this movie with low expectations. I was Ok if the plot was going to be blander than flour or for the characters to be as relatable as white paper. What I wanted was a movie with Transformers fighting and for someone with such low expectations I was shocked that Bay produced something below my expectations. Like seriously this should be scientifically looked into because I don't think someone could even try to make fighting robots look as bad as Bay did.

I just watched the movie and since I can't refund the three hours of my life back, I might as well get some pleasure from reviewing this film. So without further to do, here's Transformers: The Last Knight.

The movie starts out in some Game of Thrones knockoff were the scenes look like they were shot in someone's backyard and the fighting...is well bland. You know it's bad when Michael Bay can't even make good explosions or action as the only action you get is this scene with men practically hugging each other (fighting as Bay claims they are doing) and rocks being catapulted into a...plain of grass, not even a freaking castle.

Anyway, the Britains, who I guess are the good guys since...well, the movie tells us that they are good (even though all medieval kingdoms were awful, let's be realistic) are losing to the...fat bellied army. Like literally you don't even know who they're fighting against. The good guys are losing and there would be awful consequences if the good guys do….because the enemy is just bad and that merits the good guys a weapon of mass destruction to defeat the bad guys.

What's this weapon you say? Well our friend, the wizard Merlin...I'm sorry just thinking or Merlin brings up post trauma generation 1 series hysteria. Like the last time Merlin was introduced in the transformers it was in the eighties and all he did was have birds crap on the transformers.

But hopefully, Merlin will be something cool, someone who has good looks, a cool personality and...yep, he's a drunkard and apparently Michael Bay finds drinking funny because he dedicates literally five minutes of this guy drinking. Like what is this, a fetish of something? And I guess Bay also has a fetish for cubist like camera shots as the camera never focuses on one part, but zooms in on certain parts of Merlin, randomly. It's like having flashing lights in your eyes, it's so annoying and I wouldn't be surprised if someone developed a seizure. Who cares, I'm just sick of this camelot theme blandness. Merlin goes to some spaceship in the mountains and asks an old transformer to help them...because people are dying. Gee, I wonder why, it's not like they signed up to fight a war or something.

But obviously this nameless transformer whose armor is so bland that it's just red (nice job, creative team) decides to give merlin a weapon of mass destruction to defeat the evil fat bellies and forwornes Merlin that this weapon NO MATTER WHAT will lead to the destruction of the human race. Wow, nice thinking their. Let's just give this human a destructive weapon of destruction to defeat some enemy who are only guilty of having bad armor...because people are dying...even though by giving this weapon to Merlin it will promise destruction or something to the human race. Note a problem already-IT'S STUPID!

First of, boi you are a robot, keep the weapon and just defeat the battle yourself. Second, who cares if they lose. It's the middle ages kingdoms never last, and third, who put you in charge of such a dangerous weapon.

Anyway, he gives Merlin the weapon and then Merlin doesn't even use it because the transformer guy gives him a dragon instead. Well, OK!

So yes, great action scene, I want to see forest being burned down, the dragon lifting the catupults in the air and throwing it at the enemy...or we could just have a drunk dragon who breathes enough fire to barely heat up a bowl of soup and who's mode of attack consists of landing on people and rolling around like he's suffering from a seziure. Painful.

But who cares, because thankfully this scene is finally over after what, how long was it, 10 minutes. Sue me if I'm wrong, but I didn't time it. Just know that that Camelot scene is long. Anyways, good guys wins and then we are brought to the future.

Finally! I can't wait to see some transformers, but instead we are read a book about what's happening. Like I'm not joking we are given like ten minutes of exposition. It kinda feel like this. The audience is the trashbag and Michael Bay is just vomiting all of this stuff onto us. And the backgrounds aren't even good. Like, for example, the narrator is talking about serious stuff like how the humans are hunting down transformers and all we get are people who look like they should be at a comicon eating food and looking at a screen- because I guess that's funny...and totally helps with that dark mood. Anyways, the narrator basically says that transformers are being hunted down by the military or whatever they call themselves.

See, I just summed it up for you it like one sentence.

Anyways, these boys who I swear to god are the funniest actors in the scene decide to enter the huge fenced off area of Chicago, or whatever city it is. Why is it fenced off, well because apparently the military is too lazy to repair Chicago and instead fenced it off. And also, I guess, cybertronians like to hang out their and therefore the military are hunting them down. So obviously this alien infested place must have super security, like watchtowers, electric fences, guards...or a chain link fence riddled with human sized holes. I'm glad our taxpayer money is going to such an intelligent military.

The boys enter and the military thinks their robots...because who doesn't think that a twelve year old boy looked similar to a toaster and starts attacking them.

But they are saved by fifteen year old Izabella, with a z not an s, you unintelligent swine and they run for their lives until Izabella decides to stop running and decides to talk about their money. Like no joke she litterally starts moaning about how she's homeless, while they have families. I'm all for character development, but does having a sucky life make you relatable.

All I'm wondering is how she's not dead. We also learn in that huge exposition dump that she's helping cybertronians escape the fenced off Chicago area, because I guess chain linked fences are cybertronians kryptonite. Stupid, seeing as transformers can, I don't know, transform into anything. Like god, transform into a toaster and hobble your way out of the city. And we also learn that she's protecting this star wars reject robot.

And no, you can not bleach your brain and forget about this montrosity because this ugly robot will save the world later on...i'm not kidding.

Anyway, the military corners them… and is prepared to not kill them, but return them safely home, when Cade Yeagar, the dude from the other movie or Malk Walhberg, come to the rescue...because the military sucks.

Bumblebee comes and is shot down by a single bullet and litterally combusts like popcorn in a microwave scaring the audience half to death.

How? Are transformers now made out of glass.

Luckily Bay knows that if Bee died, then their's no way anyone can survive this horror show, so Bee lives as his parts join together again, allowing him to suffer with us through this movie.

Cade escapes, not by a cool action sequence with Bumblebee, but by talking. I don't know what, but apparently since Bee's an autobot the army can't attack them even though transformers are...don't think much about it. All that's important is that one of the army guys shoots a tracker onto bee.

….How Bumblebee doesn't notice it throughout the entire movie is just beyond me.

Anyway, Cade saves the day… somehow, thanks for nothing hero. And before he leaves some alien artifact, which the kids had found in the city latches onto his arm like those alien spawn things, and basically does nothing at all during the entire move and only leads to some awkward jokes that are too awful to explain. Awesome, anyway, Cade goes he to a junkyard where he's hiding out with a bunch of other twenty or more transformers because that's not conspicuous.

And believe it or not, this is the worst scene. The scene with the most transformers in it is the worst one. I am not joking. It's like michael bay knew he lost our attention and decided to dangle hypothetical keys in our face like parents do to babies to attract our attention. And what do I mean by that...well simply put, the transformers don't stop talking!

It's so annoying it's diabolical, like literally I feel like this scene is used at brainwashing camps, because whatever you remotely liked will vanish once this scene turns on.

I don't even know what they're talking about, but I guess some character development was supposed to happen in this ten minute scene. But it's flops faster than a blockbuster store after Netflix came around as the only character development we get is some samurai transformer named Drift balance a sword, baby robots who look cute and only serve as a marketing strategy (like minions), and a fat transformer named Hound...who is only fat. Strange as the only things I'm remotely invested at this point is how can robots have babies and why the heck the transformers are so abusive to these baby robots. Like litterally, they are punching these baby robots off of roofs. I can't imagine what a parenting book would be like on cybertron.

Another thing that annoys me, all the transformers look ugly expect the dino bots. If they can't attract me with their personality at least be pleasant on the eyes.

Thankfully we're cut from that scene to, oh god not her, I'd rather see the abusive parent transformers, to Izabella who goes to the junkyard and basically has a who's life sucks more contest with cade where she's like my parents died from decepticons, while cade's like i'm a fugitive and my daughters in college, ahhh!

Wow, that character development was as subtle as a Mary Sue in a twelve year olds fanfiction.

I swear to god Izabella is just their to vomit information in our mouths, I want to like her, but she's so annoying. Thank god the actress is going to college.

Anyways, after they find a common interests of moping about their lives, Cade adopts her...because why not. It's not like he has a stable life being that he's a fugitive.

Also really funny, the only way he can communicate to his daughter is by calling her and not talking because apparently they can track his voice down… not the call's location, but his voice because I guess they haven't recorded his voice yet. I don't know it's stupid and I guess the daughter just talks into the phone while he justs listens…

God imagine how many times she's done that and it's just been a butt call from some lady.

So you must be wondering, where's Optimus Prime. Well, he went to meet his creator because every grown adult robot who's never met his creator and has a responsibility to his army of autobots wants to leave everything behind to find his creator.

Sure, movie. Anyways, OP finds this anorexic Ursula transformer who wants OP to destroy Earth to revive their planet Cybertron because it's dying.

And this evil transformer destroys OP ingrained morals by...tying him to chains and floating around like a space squid. Well, that's all of the five minutes of OP you'll get because Bay wants to focus on, let me guess, bland humans and look we sprouted another one, fanservice brunette.

God, and here I thought I was going to watch a movie about Transformers. Fanservice girl is named Vanessa, but no one will remember her name so what's the point. I like to call her diet megan fox, because she is not as hot as megan fox, and just makes me wish I had megan fox back. (And yes, I liked Megan Fox in the movies, even tho i don't know her movie name. I just htink she's hot) Her character development is so intense that her getting whupped at polo and her cold, jerkish attitude toward anyone shows that she's a strong independent woman.

Oh yeah, she's also smart at everything, especially history, making her SUPER developed. Anyway we found out that she is, can you believe single and is not interested in finding love.

Yeah, sure, well just prep up this equally bland single, adult, male Cade Yeager for you in the corner.

Well, that's enough development we can fit in one scene so lets go to...Galvatron, but I'll just call Megatron, because I always hated Galvatron. Wow, was Bay picking out cards from a hat because he has way to many story lines. Megatron wants that alien like machine Cade had gotten because it's powerful, somehow, so he creates an ingenious plan of capturing two footsoldiers and bribing the army to give him five deadly transformers.

Wait, what. Are we sure we're talking about the US, because it'd take a lot more hostages for us to bat an eye. And apparently, this ingenious plan merited an entire rip off of a scene from, you guessed it, Suicide Squad...because when you rip off a scene you should plaigarize a not that well liked movie. OK….

Anyway, the US give him super evil transformers who haven't been killed off yet even though that was the whole purpose of the army, to exterminate transformers.

And Hasbro is so focused on consumerism that they make up transformers-WHY! Why couldn't you have real decepticons like Thundercracker or Starscream, instead we get a transformer that's four feet tall and looks like was designed by a five year old kid. C'mon!

Megatron also joins forces with the military...strange as he just held two soldiers captive and goes after Cade because, remember that traker device the military shot at Bee, well he still has it.

So yes, finally, good wholesome action with bots that I sorta like, I want explosions, I want builidngs destroyed, cars being flipped- but no, that's what Michael Bay expects us to think, instead he surprises us by having that blue ugly robot be grabbed by Megatron while Izabella gives Megatron some backtalk. Wow. This is pointless.

Anyway, somehow Cade and Izabella win, by barely fighting and they stumble upon this transformer that is so obviously a rip off of C-3PO that they pointed it out themselves and he takes them to England to meet some old guy, whose only personality is a cane that he swings around.

Said old guy also kidnaps Vanessa or fan service girl by using the transformer Hot Rod, as he has connections to a lot of transformers. I must admit tho, Hot Rod does have a cool car mode.

They arrive to the old man's mansions and meet up with him. Vanessa and Cade hate being in their presence and want nothing to do with each other and spend most of the time bickering...gee, I bet they aren't going to marry.

Anyway, Michael Bay obviously needs some more OP so we go to him, still in chains, wow the torture, and we see tentacle lady tell them that Earth is unicron. Ironic as Unicron in transformers is a planet eating destroyer and that unicron is not earth...but who cares.

So apparently this was so important that our Michael Bay repeats the same information AGAIN as he returns to our heroes, Bumblebee, Cade, fangirl Izabella and Cane guy and have them waste like litterally twenty minutes trying to figure out if earth is really unicron. And guess what, it is. Thank you, Bay for making sure I got that information.

And we recieve all of this info in unoriginal chase scenes, going to the library, and looking at books-jesus christ, who knew the library could be so interesting.

As you can see, I am getting pretty bored, so I'll sum it up. Apparently our heroes have to find the weapon merlin used. I didn't understand how they found that wepon, but they find the weapon before…

The military comes with Megatron and does nothing...hi. And optimus prime comes...but he's not optimus prime, the chains were too much and now he is nemisis prime...finally something from the trailers. I can't wait for this epic fight between bumblebee and prime. And they fight for five minutes. Really. And you want to know how they stop Optimus Prime….with the power of love.

You heard it, love changed optimus primes heart. I'm not joking Prime was about to kill bee after what, being five minutes evil, before bumblebee somehow got his voice back and told him how much he loved him.

You know what, it all makes sense. This is a disney movie is disgust. First they rip off every mid evil disney movie, they have bland characters that make the disney princesses like snow white be as complex as a computer, and little to no action to not scare kiddies...even though they swear a ton. I forgot to mention, they say the f word like six times. I don't know how they got a pg 13 rating, maybe the people who were supposed to rate it just fell asleep and didn't want to rewatch it again.

Anyway, op is back and now we have a huge fight as cybertron suddenly appears with tentacle army leading a bunch of grey robots.

NOw please Bay, give me robots fighting and not just gun fights and shoving. Please don't focus just on the humans and oh wait, never mind, let's just have humans because fighting robots are not cool. Like litterally, their are no transformers if someone labeled the action scenes as suicide squad, I'd belive them.

Anyway, i don't even know who's winning, you barely see the enemy just guns being fired at the distance, are unlikely hero comes in the form of the ugly blue robot I mentioned above, who is able to shoot down a huge, something, because the enemy didn't see him because he was two small and ugly.

Wow. I also forgot to mention megatron suddenly sided with tentacle lady, but got beat up with a cane that shot bullets, excellent. Also, cane guy died, remember him. Thankfully the mounring period was nonexistant.

So blue bot saves the day, not even a transformer and Earth is saved. Yay. And the movies so desperate the credits start rolling before its even over as we learn that bay has set it up for another sequel...to defeat unicron. Remember that. Will I go to that movie if it's made, probably, because i love transformers way too much.

Well, that's it. I got so inspired I ruined my sleeping schedual and wrote this. Fantastic. SO yeah, movie sucks, but I WILL enjoy the merchandise.

Will Michael bay change...nope! It sold a lot and why fix a broken record if it sells. So therefore, I expect the next TF movie to be equally bad.

Audience: for torture camps

Stars: they all exploded the movie was so bad

Summary: like drinking chlorine

Positives: the merchandise!


End file.
